NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
