life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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