My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
