Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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