Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
