Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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