just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
