She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
