Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
