Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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