ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
