i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
