Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
