I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
3pm strippers are depressing
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
