Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
