Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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