Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
this will be a night to untag.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
