I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Randomize
