I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Randomize
