I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
