Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Someone shit on the floor
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Randomize
