I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize