I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
This baby is an asshole
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
