The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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