Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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