Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
