Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
