You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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