Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize