What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
