If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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