A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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