I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
