New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
