I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
