I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
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