I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
