i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
