my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
