Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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