I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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