"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
