If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I need to stop coming to work sober
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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