Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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