Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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