So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
