how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize