i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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