fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Randomize
