When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
