Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Randomize
