What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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