my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
