dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Randomize
