why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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