and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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