Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Randomize
