So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
