Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
