After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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