i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Randomize
