Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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