so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
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