Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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