i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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