Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
