I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
