Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
