you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
All I want is dick and wine.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
