I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I think I just shit out all my problems.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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