what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
