and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
