There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
