I think i peed on brittanys purse
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
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