Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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